Hawaii Missile Threat: A Prepper's Dream

Hawaiian citizens and residents received an alarming text Saturday, stating, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” However, after 30 minutes of mass panic, most Hawaiians could rest assured that the alert was sent out by mistake.

All but a few people were thankful that the alert was a false alarm. Longtime resident Bill Minatar, an enthusiastic prepper, told Gear Facts,

“I thought it was my time man—my bug out bag on my back—society crumbling in the wake of nuclear war.”

For the uninformed, a prepper is a person who spends way too much money buying food, weapons, shelters, and other items to be prepared for the apocalypse (or any other SHTF scenario).

Minatar admitted that the text was “a dream come true,” and he could finally justify to his friends the hundreds of thousands of dollars he spent preparing for a moment like this.

“As soon as I got that text I ran into the house to change into my bug out clothes (military fatigues), grab my bug out bag, and jump into the bug out jeep, to head to my bug out bunker.”

While enroute to his bunker, Minatar found himself stuck in a sea of evacuee traffic.

“I thought, there is no way I can just bug out right here in traffic—my bug out bunker alone cost me $100,000, let alone not being able to use all the cool shit I had stored in it.”

Feeling stranded and hopeless, and not willing to except defeat at the hands of the enemy, Minatar began considering his exit plan...death. He had made a custom tooth cap, which held a lethal dose of cyanide, capable of being activated with one rigid bite of his teeth.

“So I’m just sitting in the bug out jeep, contemplating my demise, and literally about to bite down on the capsule, when suddenly my phone buzzes again.”

That buzz of his cellphone was the state informing all evacuees that the ballistic missile warning was an accident, and that they were “Sorry for the confusion.” Minatar, feeling swindled out of using his bug out gear, said he intended on filing a lawsuit against the state for “emotional damages,” which were caused by the “complete and utter disappointment of not being able to bug out.”