/ ANTIFA

ANTIFA Angered By Skatepark Ownership

Sacramento ANTIFA skaters have called local skatepark, Don’t Shred On Me, home for the past year, ever since the grand opening of the park. The members say they won’t just skate anywhere, but only places that aren’t owned by private individuals, telling Gear Facts, “No way in hell will we skate capitalist spots!”

Carl Klinker, one of the ANTIFA skaters, revealed that the local skatepark was the only place they were willing to skate, as it’s owned by the city. Klinker said, “Sure, the park is owned by the evil capitalist government—but it’s funded by taxpayer money—so it’s basically a collective.”

When Klinker was asked about his thoughts on the name of the skatepark, he replied, “It’s fuckin sick,” as he gestured a devil horn sign with his hand, sticking his tongue out. However, much to his surprise, he seemed dumbfounded when told that the park was actually privately owned, with the owner contracting the city to build the park.

When hearing the news, his eyes popped and jaw dropped, stating, “Shhhiiittttt.” Simultaneously, he fell to his knees, arms stretched out, cursing, “FUCKING CAPITALIST!.”

In fact, what Klinker and his buddies didn’t know was that the owner of the park, George Slate, who is a big pharma, and big oil tycoon, is also an avid and outspoken tea partier.

When contacted to comment on this story, he explained, “ I actually just built the skatepark to give kids a place to skate. I wanted to give back some of the wealth that I acquired through those huge tax cuts—thank God for Trump. I figured the name was a good play off of the tea party slogan, Don’t Tread On Me. I thought the joke was obvious...I guess not.”

Responding to the devastating news, ANTIFA has pledged to start a civil war against the City of Sacramento. Their website stated the following message, “To the City of Sacramento, if you thought November 4th was bad, wait till April 20th.”

The city refused to comment, but being that the new civil war should start on April 20th, or “420,” to the marijuana community, we assume the ANTIFA army will be too lazy to kick off the war.

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